roleplaying yourself

I have noticed this in myself. So have others. I realize there's a nice developmental story about why this happens!

We become socialized when we insert a mental disconnection between the way that we "are" and the way we present ourselves to others. This might commonly occur in the tween/pre-teen years as we become more socially aware with our peers. Before that, we simply feel and act out of those feelings. Afterwards, we feel on the inside and then filter those feelings before we show them externally, so that we can fit in. Since we're primarily deriving meaning from external sources, we fit our expressions to what is acceptable to show in our environment.

We become self-authored when we invert our source of meaning-making to our own internal values. We value less what others think of us, and we value more the state of being authentic to ourselves, expressing our "real" selves. This is where I started to feel like I was "roleplaying myself" - and it wasn't because I was acting fake in any way. It's because the filter on expression was still sitting there! It becomes less useful and less impactful over the years, as we get more comfortable expressing ourselves with less and less filtering - to the point where the filter just sits there. Maybe it could be dropped at this stage, but I didn't. In fact, at this point I think we use the filter to check for authenticity more than conforming!  Then we basically replay/roleplay the authentic signals flowing outward, pantomiming the signals that would have flowed out naturally if we didn't stop and check everything first.

We become self-transforming when... well I'll try "when we outgrow that fixed self-authored identity" but not claim that's a good concise summary. But I think that one part of the self-awareness that comes from stepping outside old identity is seeing that the "self" itself is a kind of roleplaying and... that's not bad? The self can shrink, change, flex, flow, and letting go of that emotional/expression filter becomes necessary at this point since it's a hindrance to that flow! Neither the "fitting in" goal or the "authenticity to true self" goals make sense as a dominant frame, so I see the filtering as just a mental tax at that point, this old machinery that's now getting in the way of a better-flowing system.

It's okay to filter to fit in. It's okay to reverse it and filter out the fitting-in bits. It's okay to let go of the filter and play with just being and flowing. We can accept and love all of it. There is a progression there, but there's no point in "should"ing yourself - every part of it is useful growth. What's your relationship to that filter now?